Stranger things

It has been forever since I made a blog post. 7 months to be exact. A habit that had vanished into thin air. I usually write a grand article by the end of the year to catch up on all that has changed in my life. Last year was a bucket kicker. A lot has happened since last time you were here, reading the words from your screen. If you are in quarantine and bored out of your mind, now is the best time to find out stranger things of my life.

The Mind flayer

I started writing my second novel in September of 2018. By the time I finished it, I had gained 30 pounds, saw my dad cope up with an illness, learned how to live by myself even when I was dead inside. The manuscript itself was 72,000 words, which I had to write three times to get the logic and emotion the story demanded. I was pretty adamant about my writing, to be honest, I was fighting like a mad man with a destiny. After getting really good reviews from my beta readers, it was time to do that one thing every writer is scared of. To send your lovingly crafted work to a publisher hoping that they will show mercy and make it into a book. I was faithful and hopeful that after all these sleepless nights and torturing days, I would make it through. 

Life doesn’t work that way, does it? I had challenged people that this year would be the year I would finally have my big break. I got 32 rejection slips. It was a pretty hard slap that wipes the smile off your face. Two years of hard work came back to me with nothing to show for. It is hard to keep writing a small blog when the project you died for wasn’t going to become a reality. So I stopped writing altogether.

The best thing about my social life is that there are very few people who read storybooks. Thanks to the educational system that made reading a chore. So when I failed, nobody cared. I retreated back to my cave like a stupid scientist who claimed to have found a UFO. My novel was a UFO but it didn’t fly. It sat in my desktop folder never to be opened again. The reason why I have explained so elaborately about my failure is that I am more aware that being successful requires a lot more than just talent.

People fail all the time but it makes no sense to hope that you will find your dream if you keep going. It certainly did not feel that way on January 1st. (I know right? All my shitty phases in life belong to January!) I have gotten into being spiritual and was too adamant about it. Perhaps my previous post might refresh your memory. When I was scrolling through the rejection slips, I couldn’t believe that I honestly failed in the one thing I was good at. I thought I could come out of this phase in my life and tell the world that I was right about my faith all along but that didn’t happen.

I have been told that I am a pretty good writer.  Hell, everyone agrees on that. Could it be that I am fooling myself? Maybe I am not that good. Maybe it is not the truth. Maybe everything I had gone through was for nothing. I sulk a lot but not when it comes to writing. It took me 32 rejection slips to finally understand that I am born for this. I stopped my pity party. Switched on my system. Started writing again. I am writing this now because in a few year’s time, maybe even ten years, I will look back and realize I have always been a writer. I always will be.

Anybody can write when they are getting paid. Anybody can keep writing sequels if they have hundreds of people standing in the queue to buy their books. The question I asked myself was whether I am willing to write a book even though I will never become famous or ever get paid or get those stories published. I am currently writing two books and the third one will start in August.

I might sound ridiculously funny but hey, I miss all the shots I do not take.

Welcome to Hawkins!

Life has gotten relatively better so far. I have the luxury to get rid of people who don’t keep me in their best interest. I have found my footing, for the time being at least. Coming out of depression is like getting to the surface of the ocean when you are drowning. You are never really out of the ocean. You never really find a ship to take you to shore. But you can breathe oxygen again. I could smile again without feeling like I am faking it. I would like to thank the people who took a chance on me when I was being a freak show. There were times when I couldn’t complete a sentence I wanted to say or smile for a photo. The last time I mentioned the names of friends, they all vanished from my life so I am not going to Jinx.

After a very long time, I have a crush on someone which is quite wild. (Alright stop that smirking, its no big deal.) I have no idea where it is going to end and quite frankly I haven’t talked to her at all. I hope I never will. I feel like I am 17 again. I have started to enjoy my own being instead of depending on another person to make me happy. This was the first time in many many years that I am quite happy with being all by myself. Last year during this time, I could count the number of days I could smile. I don’t know how or when but I have certainly started to finish my sentences.

The upside-down

You think 2020 is bad news? Well, It has been the best year for me personally so far. I might actually be one of the very few people who would say that loud. Ever since the lockdown, I have been at my best. I think I needed it so badly. I am not even kidding. People say they are introverts to make them sound cool. I am not those people. I actually drain energy when I am with multiple people. At most, when I am having a wild party, maybe I can handle talking to four people. I will give myself fourteen minutes before alarms go off in my head and I slip into a social coma.

As much as it sucks to be at home for most people, I love it. You may hate me for saying it but its the truth. I freaking love it. I really don’t have to be polite or smile to people I don’t like. I don’t have to dress up every goddamn day so that people will notice (yes, boys do take care of how they look. It’s not rocket science.) The best part, I can eat when I want to. The only thing I am missing is a dog. It would have been the best time to raise a puppy although I am not sure about feeding the pup during total lockdowns. Well, the man can dream. Most of the people who have joined my life recently do not understand how seriously I take my video games. During the lockdown, I have been playing like crazy and it has improved so much of my mental health. It is ironic that friendships have gotten stronger since lockdown and I am very grateful for that.

Scoops Ahoy!

You are still here. Wow. Ballsy. There were many things I was missing before that I had gained over the last few months. (yes, I have gained weight too. Thanks.) I have been eating ever since I can remember being alive. My mom used to be the official cook until I got a job and it has been a toxic relationship with restaurants ever since. I am happy and quite terrified to announce that, finally ladies and gentlemen, I have learned how to cook! And I am so angry at people who made it sound like it’s the most difficult thing on the planet. Cooking is easy if you are not trying to impress someone. In my case, I am easily impressed by myself so the cooking is tasty. I have learned how much your mood improves once you have a good meal. It is very hard to let go off that perspective.

One major point in my life and perhaps it would be the major thing in my following years is that I am chronically overweight. I think it started with me being in bed for two months while recovering from a fractured leg. My weight went up like it was in a hurry. I made a conscious decision this year not to eat non-vegetarian unless there is no other option. I got all the meat I need for the past 25 odd years. It was a huge step for me because I was raised in a family where if you don’t eat meat, you are not going to have the strength to face the next day (or to face the beating that comes if you refuse to eat your food.)

It may sound cheesy but I didn’t change my intake because of my weight. It was actually because of the love I have for cricket. I have had an on/off relationship with cricket. It is like a high school crush that you want to date over and over again. Well, with my weight, I couldn’t last more than two overs of batting. I had leg cramps and whatnot. It turns out that one of the best players of cricket in the decade is vegan. Truth be told, I can run a lot faster now. I have gone from chronically overweight to overweight. Eat your greens, like spiderman says, it does make you feel light like a superhero.

The gate

I am sure that if you are reading this, You give a damn or two about me, or maybe you are just curious why I am suddenly obsessed with stranger things. I felt bad for not being able to write a blog post for this long. I guess I need some time to go back and strengthen myself before I go all out again. Whatever you are going through, make sure you have time for yourself. It doesn’t mean you have to waste your time looking at random profiles and downsizing yourself. Figure out who you are when the world ends. When everything stops, who are you is all that matters. I am lucky enough to have a computer, a stable internet connection, and a proper lifestyle to be able to do this.

Once this quarantine is over, people will go back to who they were before. I feel like the earth needed to heal a little bit. We were going too fast for our own good. We needed to slow down and here is the opportunity to find yourself before you go back out into the world. You have time at your hand. Watch a documentary you always wanted to, read a book you wanted to, draw, or create something that you wanted to do but never could because your time was never yours. You will feel a lot stronger when you find your footing. I am trying to get published, I am chasing my dream again. It is a matter of who is faster. We are much more than our desk jobs or family obligations.

Now is the time to find out. Close that gate that has been calling you to do meaningless things. Try to be alive. There is more life in a handwritten paper than a voice note. Take as much as crazy pictures you can. Giggle at yourself. Watch a cartoon and be angry with the bad guy. Now is the time to figure out who you really are.

Thank you for being with me for the past 4 years in this blog. I have had some beautiful moments here. Hope to share more with you soon.

If you would like me to write about any specific thing, please let me know. I would be happy to write to them.

If you want to be a beta reader for my upcoming books, send me a text on my twitter or reply to this blog post.

Be the chaos you want to see.

Wishing you all the very best.